Storytime with Angie

The following was originally posted in several parts on Twitter. Because of it's original media, it may be a little disjointed. Give me a break and enjoy.

Because @getoffendedBone is out with his family tonight and not reading I'm gonna tell a little story... gather round & enjoy...

We were fresh out of college so this is more than a decade ago. We were at a local bar. There was lots of drinking going on. Lots.

Bone goes to the bathroom, wobbling the whole way, running into everyone he passes. It was an Irish Car Bomb night & he's a light weight.

A few minutes pass & he comes out of the bathroom with an older black guy (early 60's) and brings him to the table.

"This is Jimmy, my new best friend" he says as he gives the guy a huge hug. Guy sits down with us and pours himself a beer out of our pitcher.

Nobody says anything for a few minutes... dead silence...then all of a sudden Bone blurts out "Jimmy said I have a nice penis." DEAD SILENCE.

Jimmy adds "Yo friend pissed on my mother fuckin' shoes. Lil bitch owes me a beer."... still DEAD SILENCE...

Again, Bone says, "Jimmy said I have a big... penis..." Jimmy turns to Bone, knocks him off his stool and starts yelling...

...Jimmy yells, "MOTHER FUCKER I SAID YOU WAS A BIG FUCKING DICK! NOT YOU HAD A BIG DICK!" Bone scrambles to his feet & says...

"I'll take it!" then proceeds to whip it out in the middle of the bar & piss on the guy, again! Still DEAD SILENCE from the rest of us.

Jimmy drops the pitcher & literally runs out of the bar yelling "MOTHER FUCKER GONNA DIE!" At this point, the rest of us recover from shock.

The soberest of us grab the rest and rush out of the Emergency door in the back, alarm goes off, we run to the cars and get in as quick as possible.

At this point, I'm genuinely fearing for my own safety. Bone is falling down trying to zip up, laughing his fucking ass off.

About the time we get into the car and get it started, Jimmy comes around the corner with three other people... this is where it gets really fucked up...

Apparently, Jimmy was there with his parents. One has a walker. One has an oxygen tank. The only spry one of the bunch was a morbidly obese woman.

The morbidly obese one starts throwing stuff at our car, but they're too far away to hit us with anything. We all just sit there watching in awe.

They start slowing down as the 100 yard distance to our cars shortens. The fat one ends up sitting down on the curb to catch her breath.

Bone gets out of the car followed by another from our entourage. Bone unzips and starts mooning them, smackin his own ass in the process... taunting them. Not smart.

Jimmy gets a second wind, hoofs it the last 20 feet and kicks Bone square in the taint as hard as his retired ass could.

Bone goes face first into a bush in a parking lot island... Then Jimmy starts unbuckling HIS pants.

Jimmy starts yelling, "I'M GONNA PISS ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT HERE!" and he's looking back at his three cohorts still resting on the curb.

We get Bone up, stuff him into the car, apologize profusely to Jimmy and back away as they continue to scream at us.

We get into the car and pull out, Bone yelling about how bad his ass and balls hurt. We get down the road and pull into a Meijer parking lot.

Bone gets out and we all start screaming at him! What the fuck! Seriously, what were you thinking? Bone says, "Did you get my wallet back?"

We all look at each other, "What?" Bone starts yelling at us again, "I pissed on that dude because he pick pocketed me in the bathroom!"

"Asshole refused to give it back! I know he did it so I peed on his shoes 'cuz he's too old to hit! Thought I'd get it back at the table!"

"We gotta go back! He's got my wallet!" At this point the rest of us, who were also quite drunk, were rolling.

Epilogue - Bone never did recover his wallet or the money in it. To this day, whenever we see an elderly black man, someone laughs at Bone.

I'm sure when @getoffendedBone gets on here tonight or tomorrow, he'll have a few things to say... But in my defense...

After St. Paddy's day and my infamous drunken tweet spree culminating in a blurry nipple pic posted to twitter, he blew it up poster size

and hung it up in my office with a post-it that said, "have you seen me?" Paybacks a bitch.

Yep, that's a penis alright

Oooh, another message with a picture of a penis in the mirror… How original.

What makes you fellas think that this sort of thing does anything for us? I can't speak for all the ladies out there, but for me in particular, a picture of your member does very little for my libido. If I were to make an educated guess, I'd have to say that most of the pleasure was derived when you took the picture thinking about the receiver of your message looking at you holding your dick in the mirror. I hope it was good for you.

I do want to honestly confess that every once in a while I'll open one up and have to give it a double-take… either because of girth, length or "is that infected?". I should also point out that those pics get immediately forwarded on to everyone I work with so we can all share the experience.

I guess I bring these on myself with my boobs prominently displayed in my avi, but that doesn't mean I don't get to complain about them anyway. My vagina pretty much guarantees it. It's not that the dick pics bother me as much as it's that I'm still waiting for the boob and hoo hoo pics to start pouring in… ladies?

Guys, you really want to get us girls hot, send pics of your girlfriend sleeping. Nudity isn't required but it's definitely a plus. Better yet, get your girl to send her pics herself. Then we'll tell you how much fun it was while you're in the bathroom taking more pictures of your junk to send to someone else.

P.S. How many of you are just sending your pics to each other unknowingly anyway? I assume someone somewhere has sent one to someone he thought was a chick, but was in reality a 25 year old dude in his mom's basement, who in turn saved the pic then turned around and sent it back to the same dude 3 weeks later while the original photographer was on his new account where he was pretending to be a 19 year old girl with an unsatisfiable desire for anal sex. Yeah, that happens all the time I'm sure.

My friend Nate

I have a friend who suffers from Cerebral palsy. He's had a rough way to go his whole life because of it. He's my age, in a wheelchair and barely functional on his own. Barely functional yet he has one of the strongest wills and maybe the bravest man I know. He requires round the clock care because of his seizures and physical disabilities that go along with the Cerebral palsy, but that doesn't bring him down at all. He actually eats up the attention.

The point is, he's a helluva dude. He's also one of the funniest individuals I know. If he had the ability to tweet, his stuff would be biblical. Because he isn't physically able to, I'm taking this opportunity to post some of his best one-liners:

Note: he's in a wheelchair, he has seizures, his speech is really hard to understand, and his favorite t-shirt says "That's How I Roll" with a handicap symbol on it... There's the visual. Enjoy

"If you like to eat vegetables, make sure you lock their wheelchairs first."

"I'm about to have a seizure… quick! Get on."

"Once you go gimp, you'll walk with a limp"

"The best thing about having Cerebral palsy is all the sympathy pussy I'll get real soon, someday"

"First time I got fucked, it was by the genetic lottery"

"I'm only doing this for the attention"

"Somebody peed in my gene pool"

It takes a truly amazing soul to find humor and joy in the most horrible situation like he does every day. Thank you Nate for being an inspiration to me.

Look, Dad, it's a Homo!

The following will explain what it's like growing up in rural Ohio, millions of miles away from the real world. Leaving the local Sports Bar on a Saturday night and a young black dude with an afro and oversized clothes casually crosses the street in front of me. This is the conversation between that ensued.

Son, 9: "Look, Dad, it's a Homo!"

Wife: "What did you say?!"

Me: "That's not something we say! Where did you hear that?"

Son: "I thought that was what they were called? Don't you call them that?"

Wife: "We most certainly do not! Many of my friends are gay and I would never refer to them as Homo's."

Son: "Wait… what's a Homo?"

Me: "It's a derogatory term for a homosexual."

Son: "Oh, no, wait… I meant a Hobo. There was a Hobo, right?"

Wife: [confused] "What the hell are you talking about?"

Son: "A Hobo, isn't that what you call them when someone lives in the street?"

Me: "No, those are just homeless people."

Son: "Homeless? Oh, ok."

A few minutes later…
Son: "I get it now! That guy was homeless and Grandma and Grandpa were Hobos, right?"

Wife: "He's all yours. I give up."

Me: "That guy was just a young guy with baggy clothes. Probably not homeless..."

Son: [interrupting] "He sure looked homeless…"

Me: "He probably wasn't. A Homo is a word we don't use and a Hobo is someone who used to migrate around the US, jumping train cars and looking for work during the Great Depression. Your grandparents were NOT Hobos. Make sense?"

Son: "Yeah, thanks. I think I got it."

About 10 minutes pass…
Son: "I know! Grandma and Grandpa were HIPPIES!"

Wife: [shaking her head] "Yes, I think you finally have it."

Son: "So that guy wasn't a Hobo, or homeless, he was just a Hippie. I understand."

Wife and I look at each other in outright confusion…
Me: "Why do you think he was a Hippie?"

Son: "Because he had an afro."

Welcome to rural Ohio folks.

Favstar - what's the big deal?

It's late, I'm tired, dozing in and out of sleep and I'm a little drunk so this isn't going to be the most coherent post. Fuck it. Enjoy.

"Look at me! Look at me!" pretty much sums up twitter. It's the perfect enabler for the those of us who must be the center of attention, at all times. Whether it's because you grew up with neglectful parents who never showed you the love you deserved or your spouse ignores you because the relationship is dead and neither of you can admit it or you have low self esteem and crave any and all types of personal validation you can get or you're a Comedian or you think you're a Comedian… twitter is perfect for you.

Twitter allows you to run into a crowded party, scream something profound and then wait for everyone to turn around and acknowledge you for saying it. "Look at me! Look at me!" and then watch the attention shift in your direction. Do it a few times and the rush can be addicting. How do you know that people are acknowledging what you're saying?

1) Favorite - The most obvious form of acknowledgment comes in the form of the "favorite" selection. Often called a "star", favoriting someones tweet shows them that you acknowledged it and you thought it was funny or you agree. It lets them know that you read it and approve.

2) Retweets - This is the twitter equivalent of, "Did you hear what John just said?" Telling a joke, that someone thinks is funny enough that they repeat it to their other friends is powerful. It creates the chain letter effect. Retweets are unfairly underrated yet may be the most effective form of twitter validation… which is why they get me so excited I actually pee a little.

3) @replies - Replying to someone's tweet lets them know personally that you read their tweet and have something to say about it. These little conversations can end there or sometimes may lead to friendships... or all out @reply "fuck you" wars. NOTE: As a rule of etiquette though, if you agree or find something entertaining or funny, it's nice to "favorite" the tweet BEFORE an @reply.

4) Follower count - This is the final say in acknowledgment. Everything you say can lose or gain you followers for whatever reason. Piss someone off and they'll unfollow. If you're not consistent in your posts and they'll unfollow. Don't follow them back (this is a whole other topic all together) and some people will unfollow. BUT if you say something that gets people to retweet or star it, it can lead to new and interesting people. It's like a real life version of the "Sims". Sort of. Not that I've ever played the "Sims"...

This brings me to favstar. I've been asked quite a few times, "What's the big deal with favstar anyway?" Favstar is the means to which people's acknowledgments of your tweets are collected, evaluated and rated. It's the talent show. It's the prom. It's the popularity contest that drives us to say the shit we do. Favstar is crack to the twitter junkie.

Say something, people retweet it, favstar records it. Say something, people star it, favstar reports it. Get 50 or 100 stars and favstar acknowledges it. If someone thinks it's funny enough and they're addicted enough to have purchased the favstar bonus features (which I'm not even going to attempt to get into here), they can crown it "Tweet of the Day". If getting a star or a retweet is like a mini orgasm, then a "Tweet of the Day" trophy is like being invited to an all out Orgy. Plus, give someone a "TotD" and you're almost certainly offered thanks in the form of sexual favors. Not really, but wouldn't that be great?

Favstar also has a Leaderboard where the most active accounts are collected along with the Tweet of the Day trophy winners and recent up and coming tweets. Getting on the Leaderboard is like making the prom court. It's also a great place to go to find some really funny and/or fucked up people to follow.

A lot of times, you'll hear people talk about "starbanging" or "star fucking" someone. This is when they visit your favstar page or your timeline and go through your tweets, starring and retweeting the shit out of your account. This is like walking into an office full of long stem roses... or in my case, the closest thing to sex I've seen in a long time. Getting star fucked will actually bring a tear to my eye and some moisture to the nether regions. "They like me, they really like me". Excuse me, I need a tissue.

The best followers are those that acknowledge they're following you. Their stars, retweets and conversations let all of us twitter junkies know that people are listening and that we're entertaining, disturbing or turning them on. In any case, it fuels the fire. The best way to keep someone talking and taking things to the next level is egging them on. Encouraging the behavior if you will.

I'm a star whore. I love getting them as much as I love giving them. I pass em out like a Pharmaceutical Rep with Viagra pens. Make me giggle, you get a star. Make me gag, you get a star. Make me blush, you get a star. Make me cum, you get a star. I've even got a sheet of stickers in my purse. Not really, but wouldn't that be great?

In conclusion… Star, Retweet, Reply. In that order. Let em know you're listening and you're enjoying.

- Angie @getoffendedcom

I'm Losing my Best Friend...

I bought my house when I was still in college. It's a three bedroom two-story, so back then a single girl and her dog didn't need all that space let alone have enough furniture to fill it. I lived here for three years all by my lonesome and I hated it. Then, by a twist of fate, by bestie broke up with her boyfriend of nearly a decade when she found out he'd been cheating on her for years, the piece of shit. She moved out of his place and needed a place to stay. What started out as a "sleepover girl night" became "let's buy a bed for the other bedroom." She's been here seven years now and is my closest friend and like a sister to me. She's been here in the next room so long that I just assumed it would always be this way. About a week ago, she told me that she was planning on moving out. She felt it was time to "grow up, join the rest of the adults, and buy her own house". I figured in this market, she'd be here for a while and I'd deal with it when the time came… She closes on her new house Friday. We've done everything together for so long that I really don't know what I'll do without her. She's my constant, my rock. I love her and I'll be lost in this house all by myself. Does she care? Yes she does, which is why it's going to hurt so much and why I'd do anything for her. She's only going to be a couple of miles away, but it may as well be half way around the world when I need someone to curl up on the couch with and make fun of cable till 3am. The saddest part is I truly think she feels the same way. It's been Angie and Annie against the world as far back as I can remember. Her boxes are packed and the U-Haul will be here in 2 days. I plan on spending as much time with her as I can. I keep joking that if I'd agree to sleep with her she'd stay and we could rent out her new house. I'm not gay, but at this point, I'd be willing to take a few for the team to keep her close. Could this get more depressing? I bought another dog today. He's a lab mix and we (yep, "we") named him Toby. Before you know it, I'll be crazy dog lady. I love you Annie and I'm proud of you. I'll miss you but I know you need this. One last non-lesbian-platonic-scissor before you go? Thought so.

- Angie @getoffendedcom

Twitter: Why I'm Sleep Deprived

When I was approached to run our Twitter account at GetOffended, at first I was hesitant. I don't even have a facebook account. I honestly hate the new media stuff and have always preferred to interact with other people over a pint of Guinness. Now don't get me wrong, I use email, love my cell phone and have even been known to Skype while I'm traveling, but it's more productive than social. I'm the bubbly chick with the loud mouth and the comments that most people would filter before saying not the texting twit you see at the traffic light with her latte. It took some convincing but I finally agreed but only if two other people here at work helped out.

I had no idea what Twitter was less than two months ago. I'd heard about it, mostly from Tosh.0, but that was the extent of it. A co-worker, Travis, set up the account under the pretense that three of us would tweet on it including me, a single, snarky 33 year old girl in an adult's body. It literally took two weeks before we were able to rack up 100 followers, 90 of which were bots.

I think I should put a little background in here, just so you can understand why we did this. I work for GetOffended.com. It's a website that's been around for more than a decade which deals primarily in offensive t-shirts and stickers. The website is actually an off-shoot of the original venture, "The Glossary of Perversion". As the story goes, in the mid eighties, a group of friends made it a normal drinking game to sit around, describe and make up disturbing sex terms... the "Angry Dragon", the "Cincinnati Taco Chop", the "Sunny Side Up", the "Donkey Punch", etc, etc. These disturbing and disgusting terms started to take on a life of their own. Then one day, while sitting at an Applebee's in Cincinnati, Ohio in the mid 1990's, they heard a table behind them mention a "Donkey Punch" and start laughing. What the fuck? A couple years later, one of the group heard a "Cleveland Steamer" mentioned at a frat party in Tennessee when he was visiting his girlfriend... What the fuck? The terms had somehow made their way out of their basement and into the world. Seven degrees of Kevin Bacon? Apparently. The "Glossary of Perversion" was born. This dictionary of sex terms was started back in 1994 by our owner and his college roommates. This was years before the Urban Dictionary and the various other knock offs that are all across the web now. Remember, this was all years BEFORE the internet. Back then, the only way to spread stuff like this was through underground magazines and word of mouth. They printed up their Glossary and sold it for beer money.

Get Offended.com was started by the same group of guys, tired of the same old everyday t-shirts. Someone said, "Man wouldn't it be funny if we had t-shirts that said 'Donkey Punch'?" Every time we said it, people replied "I want one if you make'em". Well, that's all it took. We decided to bring it to the masses. The site went live in 2001 with a select group of 10 terms we were especially proud of.

Within two years it exploded. 2003 was marked, "The Year of the Dirty Words". Not only did every one of our made up major terms get mentioned on Howard Stern but the terms "Dirty Sanchez" and "Donkey Punch" were both mentioned on the MTV Music Awards! We like to think we had a part in that as well. We also were doing a lot of radio interviews and sponsorships... We were heard on the air in Ohio, New York, Florida, Texas, Tennessee, California, and Illinois.

Over the last eight years we've seen highs and we've seen lows. We've stuck it out, fought tooth and nail for the little corner of fucked-up-dom that we maintain. But, alas, we had fallen prey to a market that was moving in a new direction. New media is now ruling the web. If you don't have a facebook page and a twitter account, you're not seen as relevant. Henceforth, "Next item of business… Angie, you're going to run our twitter account."

Back to the year 2010. In order to help our Christmas sales, and increase site traffic, we opened a facebook page and the twitter account. My "boss", Travis set up the profiles and all settings for the accounts while I spent hours online researching how to bolster a following and increase traffic. We tried everything from buying traffic to followback promotions. All the ideas resulted in temporary followers… none of which were in our target market. We were actually tweeting promotions and ads for our stuff. Looking back, there's no wonder it was failing.

For some reason Travis started using the Twitter account to follow some of his favorite boxers because it wasn't working for anything else. (Side note, we're all big boxing fans here at the office. Even those who don't like sports have gotten into it over the years, for the drinking during fight night if nothing else). Tweeting with other boxing fans and a few boxers started generating followers. Then we added in some soccer clubs (I loves me some soccer). Twitter was getting fun, but still not adding any traffic to our site.

I believe it was the week before Christmas, when I stumbled across Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) on twitter. Three of us spent a couple of hours going through her timeline of past tweets... giggling, laughing and losing it. This chick was the funniest shit we'd seen in years. This took us in a different direction. From here we started following some of our favorite comedians which included Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt), Marc Maron (@marcmaron), Lisa Lampenelli (@lisalampenelli), Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy), Sarah Silverman (@sarahksilverman) Louis C.K. (@louisck) and Bo Burnham (@boburnham). Then we started posting the most disturbing, funny and raunchy shit we could come up with. This was when the addiction started to kick in.

I started spending all day with the twitter feed running in the background. Working on other stuff and twitter at the same time. We started to get real followers, not just people following just to get us to follow them back… get your free iPad stuff. The first person who I think actually laughed at one of our tweets and helped us break through was Bad Advice Nurse (@BadAdviceNurse). Thank you Bad Advice Nurse, if it weren't for you, we may have walked away from all of this after Christmas.

When we started to get a few people that were following us and retweeting our stuff on a regular basis, we broke the account into two separate accounts. @getoffendedcom run by me and @getoffendedBone run by Travis. Our other cohort decided she would spend her time in Facebook. This made things less confusing and allowed the two of us to try to divide and conquer.

Christmas came and went. I started spending nearly eight hours of my work day on twitter reading posts and tweeting every little thing that popped into my head. I tried to be funny and witty but felt like I was failing miserably. Then I started tweeting about my frustrated sex life and my love for my Rabbit Vibrator. Fuck it, I figured I'd use it like my personal soapbox. Air my frustrations to the world and rationalize my libido and lack of dates as twitter fodder… it was ok because it was for work.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but around the first of the year, I became full blown addicted. Not since the late nineties when I would spend all hours of the night in chat rooms like Bianca's Smut Shack have I been this enthralled in the internet. The difference is, this time I'm sort of being paid to live this life. Lucky me.

Through the month of January, I let loose. I started tweeting everything, holding nothing back. No filter, no worries… it is liberating to say the least. Also, somewhere along the line, I've been making friends. There's a handful of people that I socialize with on the side. We send direct messages back and forth, just chat about dating and what's going on. They've become my twitter family.

Beyond the social, there's a larger community of people that make up the heart of my twitter. These are the funniest, most entertaining souls I've been privy to since college. They inspire me. They encourage me. They keep me honest. They keep me sane. All of this since December of 2010. Addicted? Yes. Romanticizing? Maybe.

Did I mention favstar? Favstar is the best and worst part of my twitter. When you tweet something that others like, they can "star" it, which in essence is like the new media version of a "laugh" from someone. They can also Retweet it which is the new media version of "did you hear what Angie said?" Add in "Tweet of the Day" picks and 50/100 "Favstar" mentions and it's a little like a High School lunchroom. But, like High School, it's hard not to get sucked into this popularity contest.

I'm going to try to keep posting about my Twitter experiences here. It's hard to express how much I enjoy it when you are required to keep your thoughts coherent 140 characters at a time. There's so much more that I'd love to get into… Follow Friday, Trending, Hashtags, Favstar, Followback, etc. We'll save that for another day.

I want to end with a few mentions… and I know now that I'm not going to even attempt to mention everyone, but here are a few that I can't forget.

Thank you for being there since the beginning: @BadAdviceNurse @java_chris @F00tballSux @willoffendyou and @getoffendedBone

Thank you for keeping me sane & giggling (you should be following): @hotmommabits @funsizdprincess @0214inFL @slyoung5 @zip_it_zippy @SugarTits84

Thank you for keeping the funny going (are you already following?): @JennyJohnsonHi5 @BadAdviceNurse @ShittingtonUK @amyschumer @colinkane @YeahImAshley @willoffendyou @moshekasher @BoobsRadley @kellyoxford @TheThryll @meganamram @RobSprance @shelbyfero @kammygibbler @Slashleen @YUCKYBOT @momfia @andreaseigel @rodney_at_large @tackie_jackie @dietredbull @UNTRESOR @lunchyprices @LittleHarmonica @robdelaney @ChelseaVPeretti and @nirvana68

AND, I can't forget the following (You should be following them too!): @thebestmonkey @JillMorris @MrsVitch @MisterPrankster @Cacheinhand @knotta_tardfan @sheepie91 @violetsiva @BillMc7 @SedateMeNow @angrylittlebee @CelticWombat @tamytoo2 @Cocaine_Dealer @PlatinumShower @ArtIsMyPorn @minionzero @cant_win @lifeinsandbox @BohoPoetGirl @Cherhole @Molly_Kats and @vagstar

It's all Angie's Fault...

We drew straws here at the office and it's Angie's turn to write in the Blog. We've been so busy since Christmas prepping things for 2011, that we've let the blog slide. Since she's the quietest here at the office, we're blaming it on her...

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer = Most offensive Holiday Special Ever

I watched "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" the other night with my two boys. It's a holiday tradition at my house. Every year, the film grows more and more disturbing. I don't know if it's just because I've seen it so many fucking times… It was made in 1964, but it may as well have been made in Berlin in 1940 as part of the Third Reich's propaganda campaign against the west…. that is until the last 5 minutes when everything is made wonderful again…

I suggest you watch it again, but consider the following.

1) Hermey is obviously a gay elf with an unhealthy oral fixation. He's kicked out because he makes the other elves nervous. Apparently they are all homophobes?

2) Rudolph is a metaphor for being black in 1960's America. He's the most athletic (first young reindeer able to fly?) and when Clarice takes a liking to him, what happens? His father comes over and says, "no Doe of mine is going to be seen with the likes of you"…

3) Yukon Cornelius is apparently a dead-beat dad running from child support payments or maybe even gambling debts? Whatever the reason, he's traveled all the way to the North Pole in search of silver and gold. Is it me or is an undertone of "bestiality" played out in the interaction between Yukon and Rudolph, Yukon and his dogs and Yukon and the Abominable Snowman?

4) The Abominable Snowman is political satire for how we cast out and feared the mentally handicapped in the 60s. Sad really.

5) Clarice was a doe-eyed doe with stripper eyelashes and a come-hither walk. Reindeer on the verge of the sexual revolution. Also, consider that her father was worried enough about appearances that he didn't want her seen with Rudolph but he could give a shit less when she wondered off into the blizzard with Rudolph's mom and was about to be eating by the retarded snow monster!

6) Donner, Rudolph's dad, showed such great shame at his son's deformity that he tried to cover it with black soot. Apparently, Rudolph's mom had been stepping out on Donner with another "red-nosed" woodland creature… oh the humanity! Also, when Santa tells Donner, "you should be ashamed! Too bad too, he had a nice liftoff" Donner just bows his head and walks off. No family pride? What a coward.

7) That brings us to Santa. What a bitch! He was a racist anorexic who hated non-conformists. When the elves practice their song, he acts as if his head is about to explode. Withdrawals possibly?

8) Mrs Claus was an enabler who possibly suffered from "Munchausen By Proxy" which would explain Santa's yo-yoing diet.

9) The Island of Misfit Toys was where all of the Bohemians were exiled to and King Moonracer was the Jack Kerouac of the North Pole.

10) The misfit toys themselves were portrayed as being drug-addled unintelligent toys. Why didn't Charlie just change his name? You can't sand those wheels down on the train or swap the jelly with water in the squirtgun? There wasn't anything wrong with Dollie either. I'm guessing she was a "fag-hag"? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As messed up as all of this is, for a children's Christmas special, everything comes full circle and Rudolph is recognized as the savior, leading Santa around the world to save Christmas. Now that I think about it, maybe it's prophetic… Rudolph = Barack Obama?

I think this needs to be on a t-shirt...

Keep an eye on GetOffended.com, I think there'll be a shirt on there soon with the following line from a police report filed in West Virginia. Apparently, a couple of weeks ago in Jackson County, West Virginia, a lovely woman named Melissa Lee Williams had had-it-up-to-here with her love life and decided to go down four doors at the 177 Motor Inn to where her estranged husband was living (four doors down.... really? Is that even estranged?) and demand that he (or his cohort) perform oral sex on her. Right there. Oh, she also had a knife. Forgot to mention that part... The police report that was filed actually has the following line:

Melissa Williams then produced the said knife and pointed it towards Danny Williams and stated '...somebodyis going to eat my pussy or I'm going to cut your fucking throat...'"

The funniest part about the whole situation is that one of the guys, James Adam Watson (not her husband mind you) actually agreed to go down on this trailer park beauty queen.... but as the police report states:

As Watson approached Melissa Williams, he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams. Watson then declined to proceed any further because of the strong vaginal odor and ceased his involvement with her.

No wonder her husband had moved half way around the world... or at least four doors down. I'll bet any amount of money his new apartment was at least up wind. source - TheSmokingGun.com

It's a Black Ops world....

Ok, so it's November 9th... why am I wasting a few minutes typing here instead of pounding Diet Mountain Dew, calling in Care Packages and spending pointless hours building a one-of-a-kind-OCD-oh-my-God-he-has-WAY-too-much-time-on-his-hands Players Card tattoo? Because my thumbs are going to fall off and the PS3 in the office is about to melt through the entertainment center. Just a head's up to all of our loyal customers, if you have shirts on the way... it may be a couple days late... We need to make sure we all reach at least level 30 before we get back to any kind of work here at GetOffended.com... joking of course.

All joking aside, if you see "[.com]getoffended" on Black Ops in the middle of the night, just show your support and bend over in front of us... we need the headshots. Free stickers to anyone who sends us a message with their address and let's us take a few potshots at em in Free For All. Kristy sucks and she needs all the help she can get behind the Dual Shock.

Back to Mercenary Death Match...

Best Damn Butterbeer Recipe on the internet...

Well I finally got off my dead ass and posted the recipe for the best damn butterbeer possible without a trip to Universal Studios or a hallucinogen enriched trip to the "Three Broomsticks"... So unpack the mini van and sell your mescaline, here's the link to buttery bliss:

"Hi, My Name is Travis and I'm Addicted to Butterbeer"

Enjoy.

Butterbeer is the Devil

Recently, we visited Universal Studios in Orlando. We took our kids because we're all huge Harry Potter fans. Yep, I don't give a shit how sad that sounds... it's true.

The Harry Potter portion of the park was flat out awesome. We spent an entire day in a portion of the park about the size of a couple football fields. There's only a few rides and only a few things to do, but what they did offer was an overwhelming feeling of being right in the middle of the books... er I mean, 'movies'. Either way, it worked.

Anyway, we get there and are ooohhhing and aaahhhing everything when all of a sudden I spot a very large wooden keg / cart selling "Butterbeer". Those of you who are not in the know on Butterbeer... it's an alcoholic brew that is sold to minors in the Harry Potter series. Sounds awesome right? In the books it's described as tasting like shortbread cookies and ale. I HAVE to try this.

I stepped into line and ten minutes later asked for four Butterbeers. "Do you want those in souvenier mugs?" I was asked. Well hell's yeah. $42 later, I was sitting down outside the "Three Broomsticks" getting my first taste of the newest narcotic to be introduced to western civilization.

Butterbeer is better than crack. That says it all. At any given moment you could listen to conversations around the park, "What's in it?"... "I think we can make this at home."... "I taste butterscotch, what do you think?".... It was amazing, but at the same time verging on ridiculous.

After leaving the park, we spent about an hour online on our cell phones looking for the latest recipes to grace the web. Everything from mixing Butterscotch Schnapps to IBC Cream Soda to boiling sugar, whipping cream, and being 2 ingredients short of homemade nitroglycerin.

We traveled to Wal-Mart to get ingredients. First of all, not a single Wal-Mart within 10 miles of Universal had a single bottle of IBC Cream Soda... it's that addicting.

It's now been more than a month and we've been making it at least once a week... attempting to perfect our home brew. We've tried it all.... and.... we've done it. In our opinion, we've taken the best of everything and gotten as close as possible. Gordon Ramsey would be proud.

I'm getting the instructions together and will be unveiling it soon. STAY TUNED.

In summary, Butterbeer is the Devil.

I-75 Sucks Ass

I drive up and down I-75 everyday... through construction, around orange barrels, past "Terminator Jesus" (the artist formerly known as "Big Butter Jesus"), through construction, more construction, along side concrete dividers, through construction zones, past cows, avoiding broken down minivans, through more construction, breaking by Sheriffs, avoiding State Highway Patrols, fuck... more construction, honking at roadside-sheriff monitored-county inmate work crews, and through more fucking construction... are we seeing a pattern here?

At what point are we going to just chalk it all up and become agoraphobics or lose it and start road raging west-coast style with a .38?

I just recently returned from a trip farther south than I'm used to... Why is it, when you cross into Tennessee, Georgia and Florida, you can't drive 15 miles without being assaulted with a billboard advertising a "truck-stop" with strippers and a "spa-style massage"? Who are they kidding? The billboards should just say, "Nasty lot-lizards, sweaty trucker sex, and missing teeth, Right at Exit 98"...

And when did Georgia become the armpit of America? Besides the fact that it's the longest, most boring stretch of interstate, if you do have to stop for gas or food, be prepared to have your IQ sucked from your brain via osmosis by whatever inbred sap attempts to turn on your pump and sell you Peaches or Pecans. I'm not even going to get into the fact that the only dinner option for hundreds of miles centers around "Denny's" or "Waffle House" with the occasional "Huddle House" for good measure.

I hate Interstate 75.

Flowers...

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says," You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Remembering "Evil Dead"

I watched "Evil Dead" again the other night. I just happened to come across the DVD while moving offices. I thought I remembered the film, but I think the overall luster of the movie had worn off after the last 15 or 20 years since I'd last seen it.

A quintessential element in horror cinema (as is it's "sequel" Evil Dead II). Established both Bruce Campbell and Sam Riami as cult icons in the realm of 80's horror. Yes, the special effects are a bit cheesy, but considering the budget and the date, they are surprisingly well done. The story was fresh. The humor was off key and right on target for Bruce Campbell (who is "Ash" every single day of his life). The acting far exceeds expectations considering the film was funded by local investors (ie Dentists, and Lawyers) as well does the directing and cinematography. The sound is somewhat sub-par, but only because of the budget and date of production. The 5.1 Digital DVD release is a bump in the right direction, but the overall sound is still dated. But, this just adds to the overall charm of this vintage horror gem. If you have only seen Evil Dead II, don't miss the original. If you haven't seen either, rent them both tonight.