I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

I'll sleep when I'm dead... my credo... my motto... my downfall

Thursday, September 29, 2011

One For the Road

Masturbation can be a fun activity for one to do when they're alone. I often masturbate, and I use the term "often" instead of throwing out the actual number of times I masturbate in a day to make me seem like less of a sexual deviant. The truth is I masturbate between 3-5 times a day, if not more. I understand the need to masturbate, to have an orgasm but the kid I'm about to tell you about used his masturbation to invade my privacy. Not only was it disturbing but it was HILARIOUS.

At the time I lived with my boyfriend and two of his brothers. Not only was I surrounded by men who probably masturbated at the drop of a towel but I was also in my room masturbating most of the day. What? I have needs. One day while my boyfriend was at work, his brothers were mowing the lawn with a friend of theirs. The youngest brother asked me to take him to the store and I obliged. Upon returning to the house I decided it was time for me to take a shower and get ready because my boyfriend and I were going out that afternoon. I took my shower, masturbated and dried off. I opened my cabinet searching for my bottle of lotion and it was nowhere to be found. Now this really pissed me off because it was a brand new bottle of lotion and it was mine. No one should have been in or near my room, let alone in my bathroom stealing my lotion. I got dressed, went into the living room and interrogated the boys about my lotion. They both denied taking it so I went into their bathroom and looked in the cabinet. BINGO, my fucking lotion. Oh but wait, what's this? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! Next to my bottle of lotion lie a pair of light blue, skimpy panties. MY light blue, skimpy panties. Lotion in one hand, panties in the other I stormed into the living room snorting and stomping like a bull.

"Which one of you sick fucks decided it was okay to steal my panties AND my lotion?"

They both sat there, mouths ajar, looking at each other.

"I don't know if this is some sort of weird fucking joke but this is not okay. It's not okay for you to touch my things, let alone go into my room when I'm not here."

The youngest brother quickly denies followed by the oldest.

"So if it wasn't either of you, then who the fuck was it?"

They sit in silence, still staring at each other. I could almost see the light bulb appear over the youngest brother's head. He explains that the kid was here had done similar things before and that's why he was living with his aunt. Who happened to be my boyfriend's father's secretary. The oldest told me that while the youngest and I were gone the boy had come inside to use the restroom and it had taken him quite a while. He chalked it up to the kid taking a massive shit. Then he also said that the kid had commented on how hot I was.

So apparently, this kid decides to waltzes into my fucking room, dig through my drawers, find a pretty pair of panties, raid my fucking bathroom cabinet, steal my lotion, go to the OTHER bathroom and masturbate. As if by not masturbating in MY bathroom he was showing a little bit of respect. I'm faced with the decision to call my boyfriend's father, who is a devout Christian and explain to him what just happened so he can tell the boy's aunt or I can just let it be.

Fuck that. I'm telling.

I call my boyfriend's father and begin to explain what happened as the bothers listen in. The three of us are sat around the kitchen table laughing so hard we're crying. He asks me if what I was telling him was the truth or if I was just playing a prank on him. I explain that even though we're all dying of laughter that the situation is indeed serious.

"Oh my, OH MY."

I could hear the embarrassment in his voice as he realized he'd have to explain the situation to his secretary.

He does so and she apologizes to me a million times. Every time I see her in public she does all she can to avoid me and if a collision is unavoidable she does her best not to make eye contact with me while we speak. It must be odd speaking to the woman your nephew sexually assaulted in his mind while holding her panties in one hand and jerking off with stolen lotion in the other.

I'm all for self gratification and fantasizing but for fucks sake, if you're going to masturbate with someone else's lotion while sniffing their panties PUT THEM BACK WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED SO NO ONE KNOWS.

This has been a lesson in masturbation.
The more you know, the more you can blow.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Social Media Explained

Facebook - “I love horses.”

MySpace - “Beating a dead horse sent you a message.”

Twitter - “A dead horse? I beat dead unicorns.”

Tumblr - “Truthful Tuesday, I’m obsessed with unicorns. Sexually. Here’s a picture of my boobs.”

Witstream - “So, how about that Charlie Sheen roast? Tiger blood!”

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Social Security Numbers' Mystery Unmasked

We all know that a social security number is made up of the “Area number”, the “Group number” and the “Serial number” (AAA-GG-SSSS), but did you know there is a mathematical formula behind them that proves Chaos Theory? Try this out, I promise it works. That and I have way too much fucking time on my hands.

If you take the sum of the first three digits, plus the sum of the second two digits, minus the sum of the last four digits, multiplied by the three digit number created by the first, fourth and seventh digits, then divided by difference between the first and last digits given the last is larger (difference between second and eighth if this is the case) then if the middle two digits are less than 50 you round the number to the tenth, if the middle two digits are more than 50 you round the number to the hundredth, if the middle two digits are equal to 50 you round to the whole.

Take that final number and multiply it by sixth digit, minus the seventh digit, divided by the eighth digit and add the ninth. Square the number. Write that number down, we’ll come back to it.

Add each of the individual numbers together, subtract your birthdate, subtract the year of your birth (ie subtract 1,975 if you were born in 1975) and add the number of siblings you have (only those born before you). If this number is a positive number, take the square root and round to the nearest whole number. If it is a negative number, subtract it from itself (ie, if -1985, subtract -1985 from it.). Multiply this number by the number you have wrote down from the last part.

This final number is the amount of you I expect actually mathematically finished this equation. Especially on a friday night.

Math courtesy my last three Irish Car Bombs.