I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

I'll sleep when I'm dead... my credo... my motto... my downfall

Sunday, August 28, 2011


My first caller when I was working as a phone sex operator was very quick. I had never ever had phone sex before. I told him it was my first time and he told me that I sounded very sexy. He asked me put my hand in my shirt and start playing with my breast and I told him I was. Then he said he wanted to get fucked in the ass. So I told him I had a 12inch strap on ready to take him. Then I heard an "ugh yeah" followed by the click of him hanging up. This took about 30 seconds. It was so quick I thought we got disconnected. The other girls told me that most calls end with a hang up. So that was a very encouraging feeling starting a new job.

What I really liked about being a phone sex operator was the variety and diversity of people's fetishes who called in. Every time my phone rang I didn't have a clue what the caller was going to want, unless I recognized the number on the caller ID. Some men called in so frequently and talked to the girls so much that they even had special accounts set up at discounted rates. But every new caller always got me excited. I would look at each one as an opportunity to learn something new.

Hands down the weirdest caller that I had was a guy who was into vacuum cleaners. Anything thing to do with a vacuum would turn him on. He said the fantasy came from a cartoon he saw when he was a boy. It was a Hansel and Gretel story where instead of the witch having a broom she had a vacuum that she used to chase the kids around, suck them up and they would be trapped in the cleaner's bag. So I would make up stories about chasing children and chasing him around the house with my magic vacuum. Needless to say he was a happy customer.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bottle Butt

We all have our quirks, dark secrets and fetishes. Mine happens to be bondage and spanking. My best friend, however, is at the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm very submissive with men in the bedroom and she tends to be more dominant. I got to spend quite a bit of time with her yesterday, which was awesome because we hadn't seen one another in 7 months. She had a Karate tournament and asked me to ride along and I did. We had to pick up my friend Joe (future boy toy) from Ball Ground on the way to Greenville, so on the ride she and I discussed men. Our favorite subject. I have never known any women to be as boy crazy as she and I. After we picked up Joe (future boy toy) we started talking about the weirdest things we've ever made a guy do. Oh, I forgot to mention that not only is she a Domme but she also likes "Panty Boys" as she calls them. She LOVES making men dress up as women and basically emasculating them. It's something, as a submissive, I could NEVER do. I prefer the masculinity of man be intact when he shoves his cock inside of me. Call me old fashioned but I LOVE a manly man. You know, the kind of man who can house a family of birds in his chest hair. The kind of man who can pick me up and throw me over his shoulders when I refuse to go with him. The kind of man who puts me in my place when I won't make his favorite sandwich. I can't deal with "Panty Boys", I'd eat them alive.

Back to the matter at hand.

I asked her what the weirdest thing she's ever made a guy do and what she told me had me in tears and it had Joe's (future boy toy) asshole clenched so tight that I was sure when he stood up he'd take the interior with him.

She met a guy online and began chatting with him. As their relationship grew they decided to play a bit. This guy gets off on being told what to do so it's not like he was being forced to do any of this. She was drinking Moonshine one night and got a little More than frisky. She was having a bit of fun watching him masturbate and she noticed a beer bottle in the background. She demanded that he pick up the beer bottle and shove it into his ass. He obliged. As he's basically fucking himself in the ass with this fucking beer bottle she tells him to masturbate. So there this dude is, ass naked with a bottle shoved right up his ass, jerking it on web cam. She's loving this shit. He's getting ready to cum and she yells at him to bend over and cum on his own fucking face AND HE FUCKING DOES IT. The dude busts a nut in his own face, bottle up his ass, then proceeds to lick his own fucking cum from around his mouth.

At this point, I'm laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face. Joe (future boy toy) is completely silent. Lips and asshole puckered. No story in my vault could top hers so I didn't even tell one.

Later she's talking about her fantasy to fuck the Weasley's from Harry Potter. All of them, even Jenny. Her fantasy is having an orgy with all of them and being able to cast a spell on herself to have extra holes to take all of the men at the same time. Me, being a fucking idiot, asked her "Will it feel good in the extra holes?" She looks at me, serious look across her face and says "Of course it feels good, it's fucking magic." I die laughing.

After we dropped Joe (future boy toy) off, our conversation drifted into more serious topics. I realized that no matter how far apart she and I are, she will always be fucking weirder than me.

This is why good friends are so very important, because who the fuck else is going to stand beside you through all the weird fucking shit that you do?

Friday, August 12, 2011

Popped By The Cops

When I was 17 I decided to go to Job Corps because I had already missed so much of my Senior year that no matter how high my grades were I'd still have to repeat it. Job Corps was a great decision not because of the job training, but because I lived on campus and it was nothing but a tiny town full of teenagers and young adults. I can still recall seeing people fucking everywhere behind buildings. Good thing that Job Corps handed out condoms or there could have been another baby boom. On the weekends you were allowed to leave campus IF you were over 18. Which meant that my friends and I fell just under that category. However, being the cunning little fucks that we were we found a way out which required climbing over a fence without being seen, walking through a cornfield, walking down the highway WITHOUT being seen by the officer running the front gate and walking down the train tracks (trestle and all)into the tiny town of San Marcos, TX.

A few of us decided to go into town one Saturday to go swimming at the waterfall. The group included me, Steven, Matt and Waldo. Yeah, Waldo. The most cock-eyed son of bitch I have ever met. He STILL holds that record to this day. After passing through turmoil just to get into town we go into Hastings, which is a huge music/book store, to cool off before we continued to the waterfall. While we were there Matt bought a Walkman and an Eminem tape. Yeah you just read that correctly. Tape. Walkman. After we were done, we made our way to the waterfall, smoked some Kush with the college kids that were there, swam and just enjoyed being free for a day. It started raining so Steven and I got out and walked into the woods. Somethings went on, a few firsts but that's for another story. Let's just say that I've had that awesome sex scene beneath the canopy of the trees as the rain drizzles down on me.

As the rain came down harder we figured we'd better get back on the road before it got any worse. We made our way back to Hastings, went in and sat down. I got bored sitting there so I decided to walk around. I noticed one of the employees following me around. I went over to the guys and I sat down. I leaned over to Matt and I said

"Hey dude, either the guy who works here has the hots for me or he thinks I'm shoplifting."

Matt basically told me I was nuts so I beckoned him to watch. Without hesitation as soon as I got up the employee was back on my ass. After a while of playing musical dick with that guy I told the guys it was time to go.

Now, before we entered the building we were made to put our bags behind the counter. We went to the counter, grabbed our bags and proceeded outside. I was the last one out. As I walk out the security alarm goes off. I was already embarrassed by the fact the alarm had gone off causing EVERYONE in the store to stop and stare but as one of the employees grabbed my arms I could hear the snarky comments of parents to their children.

"And that's what happens if you shoplift,
you don't want to be like her do you?"
"No, Ma'am."

The employee asked me to empty my bag and I did. There it was, Matt's Walkman still in the case with no receipt. I knew at that moment I was fucked because without a proper receipt it looks like I stole the Walkman. The cops were called and when they arrived they took me into a tiny room. One officer left to ask the boys some questions and I was stuck with Officer Wonderful in that tiny little room. He began to interrogate me and I asked to see the video tape of me shoplifting. I then explained the situation, told him about my bag being behind the counter and that there was no possible way that I could've hidden the Walkman on my persons, grabbed my bag, and shoved it in there all before walking out of the door. The counter was right there next to the door. He claimed I had stolen it earlier that day.

That was the moment I lost my cool. I screamed profanities at him, I spit at him and I kicked the chair he was sitting in. He got up, grabbed me and slammed me against the wall. I threw my head back catching the bottom of his chin and he let me go. I turned around, hands clenched at my side, waiting for him to draw his baton. He never did. We just stood there staring at each other. At that moment his partner came in, whispered something to the cop, handed him the Walkman and walked out. The cop approached me with a bit of malice in his eyes and I took a step forward, greeting him with my pride that he'd tried to take from me. He handed me the Walkman and explained that the store had checked the bar code on the device and it showed that it had in fact been purchased earlier that day. I knew that he knew he was in the wrong for the way he interrogated me, instigated me. He apologized, stuck his hand out to shake mine and I spit in his hand. Not just a little spit. I hocked a loogie and spit it in his hand. I could see the anger seething beneath his skin but there was nothing he could do because he KNEW my Miranda rights had been violated.

I walked out of the store with my pride still intact and then I kicked Matt right in the fucking dick for leaving that fucking Walkman in the package with no receipt. We made it back to campus, no scars, no bruises, just pride, just laughter and a bottle of MD 20/20 that some old man bought for us.

All in all,
It was a great fucking day.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Short n Sweet

Hey all! It's me, Steph, better known as The Google Goddess or also The Akron Bean.

You may recognize me from a fantastic podcast called "The Last Podcaster Standing."

I've been invited here to share my thoughts and feelings on whatever I might come up with(which could be dangerous).

I just wanted to give a quick introduction and give a huge thanks to Bone for the invite to do this. It truly is an honor and it gives me a great way to let go of all the funny, fucked up shit I deal with on a daily basis, plus give you updates from the show...you guys really don't know what you're in for!

Expect a lot from me very soon!! So, that's that. Okay...moving on.



Tuesday, August 2, 2011

It could be a crisis, but I can't tell because I'm high

The funny thing about love is the way it enjoys anal.

Seriously, love will sneak up behind you and jam it's dry, 9 inch rod in your ass.

If you take a look back at my life (it's in the semen stained VHS case next to Babes in Boyland), you would notice a pattern of bad decisions, that I can always link back to a man. And one time a woman.

I attract domineering men. Conquering a lady like me is a challenge to some. Then it's a game. I want to win the game, so I'm all in. Immediately. I've got 8200 in chips and they are all on red. Fast, hard, hot and heavy love. Like your first high. Like 160 in a new camaro. Like your first orgasm. It will never be that good ever again. You will be chasing the dragon for the remainder of your relationship.

You're winning, buying round after round, having a great time, then BAM. Wrong hole, love!

That one straw. It dropped and the camel is fucked. You're also fucked.

I have acted crazy over relationships, not because of deep feelings for another human being, but because of my fear of loss. I mean losing the game. Defeat. I do not take it well.
When I hear a Lifetime wife beater say "if I can't have you, no one will" I can relate. He's got it right there. If you aren't going to be mine, you're damn well not going to be anyone Else's either.

I've burned clothing, smashed a windshield with my easel, broke into an exes apartment, slandered and most likely libeled as well. I have poor decision making skills. And love brings out the worst in me.

I blame public schools. And the boys I slept with while I was there.