I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

I'll sleep when I'm dead... my credo... my motto... my downfall

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Storytime with Angie

The following was originally posted in several parts on Twitter. Because of it's original media, it may be a little disjointed. Give me a break and enjoy.

Because @getoffendedBone is out with his family tonight and not reading I'm gonna tell a little story... gather round & enjoy...

We were fresh out of college so this is more than a decade ago. We were at a local bar. There was lots of drinking going on. Lots.

Bone goes to the bathroom, wobbling the whole way, running into everyone he passes. It was an Irish Car Bomb night & he's a light weight.

A few minutes pass & he comes out of the bathroom with an older black guy (early 60's) and brings him to the table.

"This is Jimmy, my new best friend" he says as he gives the guy a huge hug. Guy sits down with us and pours himself a beer out of our pitcher.

Nobody says anything for a few minutes... dead silence...then all of a sudden Bone blurts out "Jimmy said I have a nice penis." DEAD SILENCE.

Jimmy adds "Yo friend pissed on my mother fuckin' shoes. Lil bitch owes me a beer."... still DEAD SILENCE...

Again, Bone says, "Jimmy said I have a big... penis..." Jimmy turns to Bone, knocks him off his stool and starts yelling...

...Jimmy yells, "MOTHER FUCKER I SAID YOU WAS A BIG FUCKING DICK! NOT YOU HAD A BIG DICK!" Bone scrambles to his feet & says...

"I'll take it!" then proceeds to whip it out in the middle of the bar & piss on the guy, again! Still DEAD SILENCE from the rest of us.

Jimmy drops the pitcher & literally runs out of the bar yelling "MOTHER FUCKER GONNA DIE!" At this point, the rest of us recover from shock.

The soberest of us grab the rest and rush out of the Emergency door in the back, alarm goes off, we run to the cars and get in as quick as possible.

At this point, I'm genuinely fearing for my own safety. Bone is falling down trying to zip up, laughing his fucking ass off.

About the time we get into the car and get it started, Jimmy comes around the corner with three other people... this is where it gets really fucked up...

Apparently, Jimmy was there with his parents. One has a walker. One has an oxygen tank. The only spry one of the bunch was a morbidly obese woman.

The morbidly obese one starts throwing stuff at our car, but they're too far away to hit us with anything. We all just sit there watching in awe.

They start slowing down as the 100 yard distance to our cars shortens. The fat one ends up sitting down on the curb to catch her breath.

Bone gets out of the car followed by another from our entourage. Bone unzips and starts mooning them, smackin his own ass in the process... taunting them. Not smart.

Jimmy gets a second wind, hoofs it the last 20 feet and kicks Bone square in the taint as hard as his retired ass could.

Bone goes face first into a bush in a parking lot island... Then Jimmy starts unbuckling HIS pants.

Jimmy starts yelling, "I'M GONNA PISS ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT HERE!" and he's looking back at his three cohorts still resting on the curb.

We get Bone up, stuff him into the car, apologize profusely to Jimmy and back away as they continue to scream at us.

We get into the car and pull out, Bone yelling about how bad his ass and balls hurt. We get down the road and pull into a Meijer parking lot.

Bone gets out and we all start screaming at him! What the fuck! Seriously, what were you thinking? Bone says, "Did you get my wallet back?"

We all look at each other, "What?" Bone starts yelling at us again, "I pissed on that dude because he pick pocketed me in the bathroom!"

"Asshole refused to give it back! I know he did it so I peed on his shoes 'cuz he's too old to hit! Thought I'd get it back at the table!"

"We gotta go back! He's got my wallet!" At this point the rest of us, who were also quite drunk, were rolling.

Epilogue - Bone never did recover his wallet or the money in it. To this day, whenever we see an elderly black man, someone laughs at Bone.

I'm sure when @getoffendedBone gets on here tonight or tomorrow, he'll have a few things to say... But in my defense...

After St. Paddy's day and my infamous drunken tweet spree culminating in a blurry nipple pic posted to twitter, he blew it up poster size

and hung it up in my office with a post-it that said, "have you seen me?" Paybacks a bitch.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Yep, that's a penis alright

Oooh, another message with a picture of a penis in the mirror… How original.

What makes you fellas think that this sort of thing does anything for us? I can't speak for all the ladies out there, but for me in particular, a picture of your member does very little for my libido. If I were to make an educated guess, I'd have to say that most of the pleasure was derived when you took the picture thinking about the receiver of your message looking at you holding your dick in the mirror. I hope it was good for you.

I do want to honestly confess that every once in a while I'll open one up and have to give it a double-take… either because of girth, length or "is that infected?". I should also point out that those pics get immediately forwarded on to everyone I work with so we can all share the experience.

I guess I bring these on myself with my boobs prominently displayed in my avi, but that doesn't mean I don't get to complain about them anyway. My vagina pretty much guarantees it. It's not that the dick pics bother me as much as it's that I'm still waiting for the boob and hoo hoo pics to start pouring in… ladies?

Guys, you really want to get us girls hot, send pics of your girlfriend sleeping. Nudity isn't required but it's definitely a plus. Better yet, get your girl to send her pics herself. Then we'll tell you how much fun it was while you're in the bathroom taking more pictures of your junk to send to someone else.

P.S. How many of you are just sending your pics to each other unknowingly anyway? I assume someone somewhere has sent one to someone he thought was a chick, but was in reality a 25 year old dude in his mom's basement, who in turn saved the pic then turned around and sent it back to the same dude 3 weeks later while the original photographer was on his new account where he was pretending to be a 19 year old girl with an unsatisfiable desire for anal sex. Yeah, that happens all the time I'm sure.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

My friend Nate

I have a friend who suffers from Cerebral palsy. He's had a rough way to go his whole life because of it. He's my age, in a wheelchair and barely functional on his own. Barely functional yet he has one of the strongest wills and maybe the bravest man I know. He requires round the clock care because of his seizures and physical disabilities that go along with the Cerebral palsy, but that doesn't bring him down at all. He actually eats up the attention.

The point is, he's a helluva dude. He's also one of the funniest individuals I know. If he had the ability to tweet, his stuff would be biblical. Because he isn't physically able to, I'm taking this opportunity to post some of his best one-liners:

Note: he's in a wheelchair, he has seizures, his speech is really hard to understand, and his favorite t-shirt says "That's How I Roll" with a handicap symbol on it... There's the visual. Enjoy

"If you like to eat vegetables, make sure you lock their wheelchairs first."

"I'm about to have a seizure… quick! Get on."

"Once you go gimp, you'll walk with a limp"

"The best thing about having Cer
ebral palsy is all the sympathy pussy I'll get real soon, someday"

"First time I got fucked, it was by the genetic lottery"

"I'm only doing this for the attention"

"Somebody peed in my gene pool"

It takes a truly amazing soul to find humor and joy in the most horrible situation like he does every day. Thank you Nate for being an inspiration to me.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Look, Dad, it's a Homo!

The following will explain what it's like growing up in rural Ohio, millions of miles away from the real world. Leaving the local Sports Bar on a Saturday night and a young black dude with an afro and oversized clothes casually crosses the street in front of me. This is the conversation between that ensued.

Son, 9: "Look, Dad, it's a Homo!"

Wife: "What did you say?!"

Me: "That's not something we say! Where did you hear that?"

Son: "I thought that was what they were called? Don't you call them that?"

Wife: "We most certainly do not! Many of my friends are gay and I would never refer to them as Homo's."

Son: "Wait… what's a Homo?"

Me: "It's a derogatory term for a homosexual."

Son: "Oh, no, wait… I meant a Hobo. There was a Hobo, right?"

Wife: [confused] "What the hell are you talking about?"

Son: "A Hobo, isn't that what you call them when someone lives in the street?"

Me: "No, those are just homeless people."

Son: "Homeless? Oh, ok."

A few minutes later…
Son: "I get it now! That guy was homeless and Grandma and Grandpa were Hobos, right?"

Wife: "He's all yours. I give up."

Me: "That guy was just a young guy with baggy clothes. Probably not homeless..."

Son: [interrupting] "He sure looked homeless…"

Me: "He probably wasn't. A Homo is a word we don't use and a Hobo is someone who used to migrate around the US, jumping train cars and looking for work during the Great Depression. Your grandparents were NOT Hobos. Make sense?"

Son: "Yeah, thanks. I think I got it."

About 10 minutes pass…
Son: "I know! Grandma and Grandpa were HIPPIES!"

Wife: [shaking her head] "Yes, I think you finally have it."

Son: "So that guy wasn't a Hobo, or homeless, he was just a Hippie. I understand."

Wife and I look at each other in outright confusion…
Me: "Why do you think he was a Hippie?"

Son: "Because he had an afro."

Welcome to rural Ohio folks.