I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

I'll sleep when I'm dead... my credo... my motto... my downfall

Monday, October 29, 2012

When Life Hands You Lemons

Make lemonade.

I've never understood this saying simply because life has only handed me lemons. I'm missing the other two ingredients and from personal experience life isn't in the business of handing them out. Basically, when life hands me lemons it's my job to find the ingredients to make lemonade with. Having to do that negates the whole negative into positive thing. Here I am with a bag full of fucking lemons and a bunch of assholes telling me to make lemonade. Even if I had the ingredients to make it with, how the shit is having a jug of lemonade going to make anything better? It's useless. So if I make it, instead of a bag of lemons I'm carrying around a jug of lemonade that no one wants to buy unless it's spiked with vodka. Life sure as shit isn't going to hand me a bottle of that. Which means, I'm now stuck with something that I don't even want, and I'm an idiot for wasting all that time trying to make something I hate into something I have no interest in. This is the point where I realize that life is the biggest asshole I'll ever have to deal with. So the next time life hands you lemons, don't waste your time making lemonade. Just be thankful that life was awesome enough to hand you lemons and not herpes.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Threesome He'll Never Forget

About a week ago I sent a text to one of my male friends. I wasn't really expecting a reply seeing as how it was 6:30 in the morning. A few minutes later my phone rings. It was Joe. I answered and asked him what the fuck he was doing up so early. His response "I just had the most horrible sexual experience I've ever had in my entire life." My more than morbid curiosity took over and I asked him exactly how bad it was. I am now going to tell this story from Joe's point of view just to make it easier on myself.

Morphing into Joe...

I've been seeing this chick for a few weeks and I kind of like her. I mean, I didn't want to fuck her but she was pretty fun to hang out with. We were texting the other day and shit got a little weird. She said she was going to bed so I said goodnight to her. A little while later I started getting these weird texts from her. Saying shit like "Don't tell her I'm here." When I asked her about them she basically called me crazy. Last night she invited me over so I kindly obliged the bitch by going to her house. We're sitting there watching a movie and this bitch keeps begging me to let her suck my dick. After a while, I got tired of listening to her beg so I let her suck my cock. You know me, I like to fuck faces. I don't like regular blowjobs. So she's sucking my dick and it's terrible. I look at the bitch and I say "Suck my fucking dick bitch." She stops sucking my cock, looks up at me and says "You hate me." then she starts sucking my cock again. I tell her "I don't hate you, I just want you to suck my fucking cock." Again, the bitch looks up and says "You hate me." and starts sucking my cock again. After that, I push the bitch off of me she just sits there. Legs crossed, her hair in her face, rocking back and forth repeating "You hate me, you fucking hate me." So being the gentleman that I am, I tell her that I don't hate her. She stops rocking, brushes the hair out of her face, looks directly at me and says "I fucking told you not to tell her about me." At that moment I realize that this bitch has multiple personalities. She just sat there laughing for a while then she starts screaming shit at me. I had no idea what to do. She got up off the floor, all butt naked and shit, and headed for the dresser. She starts fumbling around with shit and I remember seeing a razor blade up there. Now, I'm sitting ass naked on the couch and I jump up to put my shorts on because my knife is in there. That bitch turns around and starts walking towards me with a razor blade so I pulled out my knife. She stops. We just stand there and stare at each other for a moment. I didn't know what the fuck to do, Jessica. I'm on fucking probation already and here this bitch is trying to cut me. Dude, the fucking cops ain't gonna believe me. So I start trying to sweet talk the bitch. I'm telling her that I don't hate her and everything is OK. I finally asked that bitch what her name was. She said "You don't need to worry about that." So I say "You know my name, be polite and tell me yours." She says "Laura, my name is Laura." I look that crazy bitch dead in her face and say "Listen Laura, can you bring Amanda back because I need to clarify some shit with her." That bitch tells me Amanda is asleep and if I want to talk to her, I gotta lay down with her until she falls asleep. I tell her I just want to leave but she says I can't because the last thing Amanda remembers is being face down on my dick.So I lay down with the bitch until she falls asleep. A little while later she wakes up and it's Amanda. She's all confused and shit, Then she starts begging me to fuck her. I felt so bad about this bitch being crazy so I tried to fuck her but it just wasn't happening. I just kept thinking about the other crazy bitch coming back to stab me. I hopped off that bitch, grabbed my fucking clothes and belted, dude. I've been driving around for like two fucking hours thinking about this shit. I don't think my dick will ever work again. Jessica, that bitch made you look like a Catholic school girl.

Morphing back into myself....

At this point, I'm in fucking tears. I cannot stop laughing. I told him he needed to quit meeting bitches off the Internet. He seems to think it's his cock that turns women into crazy bitches but I was crazy long before he ever fucked me.

The moral of this story: Bitches be crazy.