I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

I'll sleep when I'm dead... my credo... my motto... my downfall

Thursday, April 28, 2011

What? What? In the butt!

This post comes courtesy of a wonderful writer and perversely fucked up friend of GetOffended, @2ndcitysaint and her blog, The Blog of Shame

Run away now, boys. This is a story about pegging. Oh? You don’t know what pegging is?

My favourite definition comes from urbandictionary.com:

“When the tables are voluntarily turned on heterosexual anal intercourse and the female servicee becomes the servicer for the man. Because most women don’t have penises, a strap-on dildo is necessary.”

So, you’re probably wondering: DEAR GOD WHAT TYPE OF MAN WOULD WANT THAT!? Well, some guys are curious. And it’s completely normal and not gay at all. Yep, not gay at all… even if my ex had sucked one of his friends’ dicks before. Plus, it’s not like a girl’s gonna go all out on you and use her 12” double-wide on you. No, she saves that for herself and no amount of begging could possibly make her want to put it in your asshole. Fun part of this story: the strap-on was HIS, not mine.

Moving on. Andrew, the ex in question, was the first guy I ever slept with on a first date. He bought me a $120 dinner at a fine dining restaurant here in town… how could I not? (To be honest, I fucked him because I wanted to, not because he bought me an expensive dinner, although I realise it seems that way). After that, our entire relationship was doomed destined to be extremely sexual in nature. It was to the point that he’d pick me up for dates, and we’d go back to his house and fuck before we even went on our date. And, then we’d come back from our date and fuck again until he bitched about it being 4AM and he had to work at 9. And then I’d wake him up again around 5AM for another round. Get the picture?

The chronology of when exactly the pegging happened is fuzzy in my mind. But we had discussed things like it right from the beginning of our relationship. I believe it first came up on our second date. I had gone to his house to cook him dinner, and we ended up making out on the couch while our dinner was in the oven. He was sitting and I was straddling him, rocking my hips against him. I guess the thrusting was pretty satisfying because it prompted him to say something like, “the way you move your hips, I bet you’d be great with a strap on.” So, I continued to tease him like that until the smoke alarm started going off and his dog started going crazy. After that, our attention shifted more toward dinner and less toward sex, for that night.

After a couple more dates, we were fucking and he decided he wanted a blowjob. My head was propped up by a few pillows, and he straddled my chest. THIS! This is a great position if you want to do the finger-in-the-ass trick because his legs are already spread, so you don’t have to try and spread them under other pretenses just so you can sneak a finger in there! So, I started with the usual shaft-stroking during the BJ… then moved my hand to his balls… then to his taint… and then I circled my finger around his asshole and gently pressed (after all of this happened, we actually randomly got stuck watching a pegging instructional video with the MOST ADORABLE woman who described this pressing the asshole as “ringing the doorbell.”) So, I rung his doorbell and he seemed to enjoy it… enough that he passed me the lube from his night stand. I lubed up, and in went the finger. He really enjoyed this, so after awhile he hopped off the bed and went rummaging through his drawers for his strap-on. Once again, I don’t know why he even owned one in the first place, but he did. Fun story: IF a guy owns a toy, it’s more than likely GUARANTEED to be smaller than his own cock. And, this was, in fact, smaller… which made me giggle a little. But, like a good, obedient girlfriend, I strapped on. Apparently, it was quite the site. He enjoyed it and just kinda stared at me for a bit, and I knelt there on the bed feeling slightly awkward, and also slightly powerful (kinda like a really nerdy guy with a really big [ok, less than average] sword).

So, we started out with him on all fours, which we quickly learned is not a great position. Thrusting something that you can’t feel because it isn’t attached to you… not as easy as you might think! But, we quickly found a great position: me on my back. He was able to be in control of the thrusts (because I was apparently a little too rough when we were trying it with him on all fours), he could play with my tits, and I was able to give him a handjob. After while, he started to get really into it, which quickly degenerated back to him being on all fours, so that I could spread his ass cheeks and pour more lube in there. If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that guys’ assholes are fucking DRY (and hairy).

By this time, I had finally figured out how to properly thrust something that wasn’t physically attached to me. We continued until after he came. Of course, neither of us realised that he came at first. I didn’t realise it, and he didn’t notice that he had until he started going soft and he saw the wet spot on his sheets (that, for once, wasn’t my fault). I didn’t get anything out of it, to be entirely honest. He came, so he obviously enjoyed it in some sense, and he told me he enjoyed it. I didn’t get anything out of it. But, for about 20 minutes after the fact, he got really awkward about it. Then after the 20-minutes-of-awkward phase was over, I felt really awkward; we were on the couch, and he got really cuddly… and then he decided it was an OK time to gingerly let out multiple farts… while we were still cuddling.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Son, the Handful

I have two boys. One is 9 and the other 5. Both of them are incredibly intelligent. I know every parent thinks and says that, but I have a little more than parent awe as proof. My 9 year old has cognitive capabilities that test off the chart. He's in gifted programs and started school early blah blah blah. Point is, he's smart. Now, along comes my 5 year old. Smart as a whip, but evil. Not kill the neighborhood cats evil, but what can I do to push this situation over the edge of a cliff evil. He's a ladies man to boot. At 4 years old, he announced his favorite restaurant was Hooter's, but he only wants hugs from the blonde waitresses. Apparently he's picky too. My 9 year old is a living monument to an adolescent Divinci's David. He's average height, average weight, cute and incredibly muscular for his age due to his massive regiment of year round soccer. My 5 year old is 10th percentile in height. He can still pass for 2-3 years old. BUT, his head, chest and shoulders are larger than my 9 year old's. Sounds strange, but it's not like he's a dwarf or anything. He's just proportioned like a very thick mean little linebacker. He's strong as hell too. I refer to it as "tard strength". I know that's not very PC, but fuck it. There are big differences in the two boys obviously. Where my 9 year old worries about why Wayne Rooney would curse into a camera if he knew it would get him suspended from his next two games, my 5 year old asks questions like "How long before I die?" Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Now that you have a little background on the situation I'm dealing with, let's go back to last July when he was still 4 years old. We decided to have him tested for admission to kindergarten this year and follow in his brother's footsteps. He was already reading, could add and subtract as well as showed signs of the same intellect that his brother has. We drop him off with the other 5 year olds and he goes through the hour test. Upon picking him back up, we're told we need to have a conversation with the coordinator in charge. We wait around until everyone leaves. Good news? Is he smart?

We sit down with the teachers putting the test on and the coordinator. Here is how the conversation went:


"How did he do?" - Me

"Have you had him tested before?" - Coordinator

"No, we just assumed since his brother did so well, we'd give him the same opportunity." - Me

"I really don't know how to put this… he didn't pass." - Coordinator

"Excuse me?" - Me

"Honestly, we couldn't even register him. Based on the type of evaluation we use, we didn't know how to score him at all. We can tell he's smart, but it was as if he found joy in frustrating us." - Teacher 1

"I'm really confused here. What the heck happened?" - Me

"He refused to answer our questions honestly to begin with. Here let me show you. When asked what animal barks, he replied 'a frog'. When asked how many days were in a week, he answered 'all of them'. It goes on like that for all of them." - Coordinator

"Some of his answers we don't even know where he came up with them. For example, we asked what is shiny that a woman puts on her finger, his answer 'a band-aid' which is a creative answer, but not the one we were looking for. After prompting him for a better answer, he said 'nail polish'. It was if he wanted to give us every answer but the right one." - Teacher 2

"We asked him what holds cereal and he answered "milk". We were looking for bowl. We asked him if he could tell us his address and he said 'No, because you're a stranger'. We could not convince him otherwise." - Teacher 1

"I really don't know what to say. Do you want us to ask him the questions? I'm sure he'll answer for me." - Me

"His dexterity was excellent and he passed everything else, but when it came to the cognitive questions, he scored a zero. When we asked if he could count to ten, he refused." - Coordinator

"He said he didn't know how?" - Me

"Yes. Well, he actually said, 'Yes'. But he wouldn't count. We asked him if he could, he said yes. We asked him if he would and he said he didn't feel like it right then." - Coordinator

"What does this all mean?" - Me

"We feel sorry for the teacher that gets him in the fall. He's a handful, but we're going to go ahead and pass him." - Coordinator

"Thank you?" - Me


That night, we asked him what happened at the testing. His reply, "Those teachers were stupid. They asked me dumb questions. I figured if they didn't know the answers, I wasn't gonna tell em… Dad, they didn't know that dog's barked. What are they gonna teach me? I'm not going to school."

My son, the handful.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Vibrators Valtrex and Infections Oh MY!

As promised, one of my favorite twitter conversations of late. Follow @WhoreNextDoor45 if you aren't already too. Do it! NOW! Then read on.

@WhoreNextDoor45 - C Batteries…… A woman's best friend when it's time to get her buzz on.

@getoffendedcom - C Batteries? I thought you were a kick-start Diesel kinda girl... like me.

@WhoreNextDoor45 - I'm trying to go green these days. I've also switched to those new biodegradable condoms.

@getoffendedcom - Green? Is it infected? Oh my gosh, DM that to me next time instead of tweeting it. :)

@WhoreNextDoor45 - The Valtrex they prescribed me should have it cleared up in about a week or so. I caught something when I came home to Ohio.

@getoffendedcom - I love Valtrex! If you crush it up & stick it up your ass the hallucinations are biblical. I think it was Valtrex...

@WhoreNextDoor45 - I need to try that. I recommend you try snorting some crushed Stool Softener, it made me see the Virgin Mary in a White Castle once

@getoffendedcom - I normally delete my @ reply conversations, but this one's a keeper. I love you & your water slide vagina!

@WhoreNextDoor45 - Those catching @getoffendedcom and my conversation, White Castle is a burger joint that gives you the screaming shits for a month after one burger

Thanks Dixie Swallows for clearing that up - I need a bath now.