I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

I'll sleep when I'm dead... my credo... my motto... my downfall

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Storytime with Angie

The following was originally posted in several parts on Twitter. Because of it's original media, it may be a little disjointed. Give me a break and enjoy.

Because @getoffendedBone is out with his family tonight and not reading I'm gonna tell a little story... gather round & enjoy...

We were fresh out of college so this is more than a decade ago. We were at a local bar. There was lots of drinking going on. Lots.

Bone goes to the bathroom, wobbling the whole way, running into everyone he passes. It was an Irish Car Bomb night & he's a light weight.

A few minutes pass & he comes out of the bathroom with an older black guy (early 60's) and brings him to the table.

"This is Jimmy, my new best friend" he says as he gives the guy a huge hug. Guy sits down with us and pours himself a beer out of our pitcher.

Nobody says anything for a few minutes... dead silence...then all of a sudden Bone blurts out "Jimmy said I have a nice penis." DEAD SILENCE.

Jimmy adds "Yo friend pissed on my mother fuckin' shoes. Lil bitch owes me a beer."... still DEAD SILENCE...

Again, Bone says, "Jimmy said I have a big... penis..." Jimmy turns to Bone, knocks him off his stool and starts yelling...

...Jimmy yells, "MOTHER FUCKER I SAID YOU WAS A BIG FUCKING DICK! NOT YOU HAD A BIG DICK!" Bone scrambles to his feet & says...

"I'll take it!" then proceeds to whip it out in the middle of the bar & piss on the guy, again! Still DEAD SILENCE from the rest of us.

Jimmy drops the pitcher & literally runs out of the bar yelling "MOTHER FUCKER GONNA DIE!" At this point, the rest of us recover from shock.

The soberest of us grab the rest and rush out of the Emergency door in the back, alarm goes off, we run to the cars and get in as quick as possible.

At this point, I'm genuinely fearing for my own safety. Bone is falling down trying to zip up, laughing his fucking ass off.

About the time we get into the car and get it started, Jimmy comes around the corner with three other people... this is where it gets really fucked up...

Apparently, Jimmy was there with his parents. One has a walker. One has an oxygen tank. The only spry one of the bunch was a morbidly obese woman.

The morbidly obese one starts throwing stuff at our car, but they're too far away to hit us with anything. We all just sit there watching in awe.

They start slowing down as the 100 yard distance to our cars shortens. The fat one ends up sitting down on the curb to catch her breath.

Bone gets out of the car followed by another from our entourage. Bone unzips and starts mooning them, smackin his own ass in the process... taunting them. Not smart.

Jimmy gets a second wind, hoofs it the last 20 feet and kicks Bone square in the taint as hard as his retired ass could.

Bone goes face first into a bush in a parking lot island... Then Jimmy starts unbuckling HIS pants.

Jimmy starts yelling, "I'M GONNA PISS ON THIS MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT HERE!" and he's looking back at his three cohorts still resting on the curb.

We get Bone up, stuff him into the car, apologize profusely to Jimmy and back away as they continue to scream at us.

We get into the car and pull out, Bone yelling about how bad his ass and balls hurt. We get down the road and pull into a Meijer parking lot.

Bone gets out and we all start screaming at him! What the fuck! Seriously, what were you thinking? Bone says, "Did you get my wallet back?"

We all look at each other, "What?" Bone starts yelling at us again, "I pissed on that dude because he pick pocketed me in the bathroom!"

"Asshole refused to give it back! I know he did it so I peed on his shoes 'cuz he's too old to hit! Thought I'd get it back at the table!"

"We gotta go back! He's got my wallet!" At this point the rest of us, who were also quite drunk, were rolling.

Epilogue - Bone never did recover his wallet or the money in it. To this day, whenever we see an elderly black man, someone laughs at Bone.

I'm sure when @getoffendedBone gets on here tonight or tomorrow, he'll have a few things to say... But in my defense...

After St. Paddy's day and my infamous drunken tweet spree culminating in a blurry nipple pic posted to twitter, he blew it up poster size

and hung it up in my office with a post-it that said, "have you seen me?" Paybacks a bitch.

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