The following was originally posted in several parts on Twitter. Because it seemed to be enjoyed, I'm reposting here. It's gathered in 140 character tweets so just excuse the format....
By request, and because @getoffendedcom isn't around today, I'm about to post an epic story for twitter which is 100% true. I'll change
some of the names to protect the innocent, but other than that I'll depict it in it's glorious fashion.
Circa 1994, Country Concert in Ohio. Kinda like Coachella for drunken inbred rednecks. Those that know me, know I have only 2 allergies...
Penicillin and Country music... but since Country Concert is a weekend excuse for alcohol & sex away from home, it's a big summer thing even
for those not going for the music. A group of bout 20 of us from our HS went up for 4th of July weekend. Day one was normal, drinking galore
and the promise of a few precursory hook ups for Saturday night. Everyone woke up Saturday morning in the heat & started pounding beer early
too early. Way too early. Being 16, 17 & 18, those kinds of decisions aren't made with the clarity of past experience. By mid afternoon...
people were already hurling behind trailers and sleeping it off in tents. Things turned from alcohol to liquor late in the afternoon when...
the girls started to put their whore hats on and began suggesting moonlight rendezvous with their guy(s) (or girl) of choice. With alcohol
in the air and the sun going down, things started to take a twist for the worst. One chick in particular started to make her rounds. First
with one guy, then about an hour later with a second, then a third... she was out of hand. I also need to point out that her hame was "Tera"
This will come into play a little later. At this point, the music is done and things are in full party mode among all the campsites. Tera...
makes her way over to my campfire and in a drunken slur asks who is next. One of my friends jumps up and grabs her by the hand to lead her
into his tent much to the dismay of the rest of us. Sloppy 4ths at this point (or so our drunken logic had surmised) wasn't the most...
appealing to say the least, but "C" (we'll just call him C) took her up on her offer anyway. After 5 minutes we hear screaming coming from
the tent. Then a series of "what the fucks" and "are you fucking kidding me?" then shrieking. The tent is going apeshit at this point...
pulling the stakes out of the ground and making it's way toward the creek. We all jump up to see what the fuck is going down when C crawls
out from one side of the tent in his boxers and Tera rolls out from the other side with her shirt in her hands and runs off between the
other tents. C just stands there panting, then turns to us before he starts laughing his ass off screaming "holy fucking shit! You're never
gonna believe this!" He sits back down at the fire, putting his jeans back on and this is the story he told...
C got her in the tent and she pulled her skirt up and was ready, drunk but ready. He told her that after all the guys before him he wanted
her ass or she wasn't get anything. LOTS of alcohol on both their part at this point I have to add to be fair. She obliged and got up on all
fours... BY THE WAY... it's obviously gonna get pretty NSFW from here. Take action accordingly. yeah right.
C spits on her ass, but he's so cotton mouthed at this point, he can't spit, so he decides to take a drink of his beer and spit that on her
ass instead. She'll never know right? Well he proceeds to rub his dick in the PBR and then shove in as best as his alcohol filled dick will
allow. Which, I am assuming wasn't very much. Tera starts to get concerned at what is going on and according to C, she turns around over her
shoulder and says, "here let me help". Whatever drunken logic went through her head, who knows, but as best we can figure, she attempted to
"loosen her ass up" by relaxing to let him in. Unbeknownst to C, she had so much beer in her system and hadn't shit all day that this simple
act of relaxation "let open the cage door" for what she'd been holding all day.
At this point in C's story, the rest of us are literally rolling on the ground pissing ourselves laughing by firelight to the point we were
being told to keep it down by other campsites. Back to his story. C says at that moment, while he's pressing against her ass & she's trying
to let him in the backdoor, the dog snuck out.
And by "dog" I mean a turd about the size of a Robusto Cigar. This is when the screaming had started. Tera had no idea that she had even
done it, so as C yelled, she started yelling. When he showed her what she did, she thought it was a snake and tried to get out of the tent
C was yelling at her that she shit on him, then under flashlight inspection, confirming it was in fact feces and not a snake, Tera takes the
"high road" and starts the "that's not mine, it's yours" argument. In embarassment, she snuck out from under the tent and ran back to her
own campsite. At this point, the rest of us are picking up the tent, looking for the incredulous piece of excrement.
Upon finding said piece of poo, we laughed even harder. "SEE I FUCKING TOLD YOU!" was all C could repeat for the next 30 minutes.
A few of our group left to try to track down the missing people from our HS and to check on Tera to make sure she got back to her tent ok...
The rest is kind of a blur, but by the next morning, C was asleep face down next to the firepit, his tent in the creek, the turd gone...
along with Tera who had packed her shit up (all but the piece in C's tent...) and drove home, probably sobered from the experience, in the
middle of the night. Sunday was basically an excuse to tell the story over and over and over again. The rest of the summer the story had to
be repeated at least a dozen times by our group. The best part is, that at some point, Tera took on the nickname "Tera the Turd" which, to
this day, she is still referred to by our clique of friends. This took place July of 1994 right after we graduated from High School.
18 years later, and we're still telling the epic campfire tale of "Tera the Turd".