I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

I'll sleep when I'm dead... my credo... my motto... my downfall

Monday, March 2, 2015

Shit That Just Will Not Hit The Fan

Inevitbly when you're in need of a crisis to weasle your way out of something there is zilch on your radar. Any other day and you'd have learnt you were at one point a conjoined sexless twin or that your Mother is in fact your younger sister and who you'd thought to be your sister is in actuality your child that you'd been chemically induced as to erase your memory. But when you've popped a fresh bowl of popcorn and have battened down the hatches ready for the drama all is calm on the home front. Picking a fight with a loved one will have them going out of their way to "understand" your woes and may inspire their heroic nature and they'll be compelled to help better you when really all you need is a valid reason to decline an invite. Note any other day said loved one will erupt in your face taking everything you love and setting it on fire. I'll cut to the chase here-virtually any method you try to employ will back fire and the only solution is to shoot yourself in the foot. Call from the hospital pay phone and half the job is done (if they've call display) ensure you upload photos of yourself in various potentially fatal type poses on all media sites, DM your Twitter followers and ask they RT your photos of malaise, encourage FB friends to share your status and hash tag the entire story on IG. Remember this you are very ill, too ill to have done whatever it was you'd no intentions of doing anyways but still, try to maintain a near death image. No smiling. Use a lot of sad face emoticons. Make sure you devote at least nine sentences to how bummed you are to be in hospital and not at wherever you weren't going to in the first place and now can anyone actually blame you? You're in hospital with a gun shot wound. If that isn't enough of a get out of plans pass then quite frankly nothing you'd came up with would've sufficed. You'll be branded as a no show and then when you don't receive any invites will become despondent and soon the cycle will start anew. The best piece of advice I can give you is that if you are really serious about not making an appearance you dig and throw yourself into a shallow grave and wait for your last breath.

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