That Is Bacon I Smell, Right?

One of the last nights I spent in Texas before I left at the age of 21 was possibly one of the best nights I've ever had. There were approximately 6 of us that night, if not more. My recollection is a bit fuzzy. The first part of the night was spent at a friend's house drinking and doing other recreational activities that may or may not have been illegal in the state of Texas back then. After that we drove to Cue & Cushion which was the pool hall we were always at if we weren't at home.

This is where I meet my first love. A bottle of Jameson. I haven't been the same since then.

After I have no idea how many shots of Jameson I realized I was being given the stink eye by my fuck buddy's ex girlfriend. At that point, being of Irish decent and full of Jameson, I stood on top of our pool table and kindly yelled "What the fuck are YOU looking at?" she looked around like she had no idea that she'd been staring at me all night and I said "Yeah you, with the face. You got a problem?" I was then yanked down off of the table by my ex. Me being 5'8" and a buck twenty-five at the time, it wasn't even a chore for him to yank me down. The owner asked us to leave because he knew if I stuck around I'd end up hitting the girl and being arrested. The guy adored me so he didn't want to see anything bad happen to me or on her face in his parking lot. So we piled in the Honda and took off.

I know, I can't believe this fucking story isn't over yet either.

We were on our way to an abandoned hospital by the name of Jefferson Davis that was supposed to be haunted. I love the supernatural so I was completely okay with being shitface drunk in some old abandoned building that could possibly collapse at any time. I was such a rebel. On the way there I really had to piss so I begged the driver to stop somewhere. To this day, I'm still not sure why we didn't stop at a store. May have had something to do with the car full of drunk people or something. We stopped at an abandoned garage and my friend and I got out and walked a little ways, dropped our panties and started going. About that a time, a light beamed right into my face. I threw my hand up and yelled "You get that fucking light out of my fucking face or so help me motherfucker when I get up you won't have a fucking hand to hold your dick with." I heard a lady say "Pardon me?" and considering my friend and I were the only two ladies in the group, if you'd so like to call us that, I became confused and aggravated. Like a redneck when Dale Jr doesn't win that circular race thingy they watch every so often. Being confused isn't something I'm good at and I often hide it with my aggression so I said "Yeah, you fucking heard me. No hand for your dick are you deaf?" At that point my friend was standing beside me pants up telling me it was a cop. I was still peeing. I looked up at my friend and said "Cop or not, I came here to piss and that's what I intend on doing."

Light beaming down upon me in mid piss, I finished what I came to do. Stood up, pulled my panties up, pulled my pants up and did a little jig that involved me dancing in circle around my friend.

Somehow, my friend managed to talk the cop out of arresting me even though I was way beyond the legal limit and public urination is illegal. We went on to Jefferson Davis where I twisted my ankle coming out. I was convinced until I woke up sober that a ghost pushed me down for being an asshole to that lady cop.

I laugh every time I hear "Mrs. Officer" by Lil Wayne and I often wonder if she would have let me have sex with her in the back of her cop car in front of my friends while holding her light on me.

That, my friends, is my only regret.