BREEDING DISCONTENT: The Greatest Ringtone EVER

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Greatest Ringtone EVER

This was originally posted at Travis's blog, ApocalypseComing.com

GREATEST RINGTONE EVER

The other night, the topic of the greatest ringtones of all time came up. I have it. I have stories because of it.

A little background, I have an unhealthy obsession with people getting sick. Nothing sexual about it so don’t even go there. For me, the sound of someone wretching or gagging is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Even if it’s me doing it. FYI, if you’re hanging your head over a toilet yakking up a bottle of wine or a six pack of PBR, I may help keep your hair out of the toilet, but I’ll likely be dying on the inside or, if shared the consumption, uncontrollably guffawing over your shoulder.

In 1999, Bloodhound Gang released Hooray for Boobies. On this disc was a song titled “Yummy Down on This” which included a 20 second clip of a mythical deep throated blowjob complete with gagging, wretching and chokes. For about a year, this was my ringtone. I am that fucking awesome.

Best story that goes with this occurred standing in line at the bank. I was busy explaining to the teller the requested denomination for my withdrawal when my phone started ringing. At this time, I was completely desensitized to the ring and just let it go. The middle aged woman in line behind me was not.

“Sir. Sir. Sir… can you please get your phone? Sir… sir.. gugh.. sir.. gggaghgh… sir.. could you.. ughgh… please get… rroorrrk.. phone?”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my ringtone actually made her gag to the point where she got pissed and left the line because I was too busy laughing my ass off to answer the damn phone before it went to voicemail. I am that fucking awesome.

Enjoy.

1 comment:

AnonymousJuly 22, 2011 at 4:41 PM
This is great. Getting a few ideas here.

Maybe the sound of someone taking a long full-volume piss - as a ringtone? Think that would work? I do.
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WHO AM I / WE?

Years ago (circa 1985), a group of friends made it a normal drinking game to sit around, discuss & make up disturbing sex terms... the "Angry Dragon", the "Cincinnati Taco Chop", the "Sunny Side Up", the "Donkey Punch", etc, etc. These disturbing and disgusting terms started to take on a life of their own. Then one day, while sitting at an Applebee's in Cincinnati, Ohio in the mid 1990's, they heard a table behind them mention a "Donkey Punch" and start laughing. What the fuck? A couple years later, one of the group heard a "Cleveland Steamer" mentioned at a frat party in Tennessee when he was visiting his girlfriend... What the fuck? The terms had somehow made their way out of our basement and into the world. Seven degrees of Kevin Bacon? Apparently.

Get Offended.com was started by the same group of guys, tired of the same old everyday t-shirts. Someone said, "Man wouldn't it be funny if we had t-shirts that said 'Donkey Punch'?" Everytime we said it, people replied "I want one if you make'em". Well, that's all it took. We decided to bring it to the masses. We started in 2001 with a select group of 10 terms we were especially proud of. This soon became other funny (or offensive) slogans and sayings. We felt it was our civic duty to make sure everyone around the world had a chance to proudly wear, "Too Drunk to Fuck" on their chest. Our goal as a company was to make sure no one is left out. If you aren't offended, we haven't done our job. We are dedicated to bringing you the t-shirts your mother would refuse to wash!

We grew a bit from 2001 to 2004. Our goal for 2005 was to get a shirt on the back of every man, woman and child in America! For 2006 we just want to continue the effort to the streets... plus by the end of the year we wanted our opinions heard regarding the onslaught of wanna-be weekend bikers destroying the motorcycle scene...

We grew leaps and bounds in the first few years. We became a Fortune 100,000,000 company! That's right, we rock. We hired staff we couldn't afford and a computer no one knew how to use. The word was finally getting out. In 2001, when we started this beloved monster, the terms "Donkey Punch" and "Dirty Sanchez" were fraternity jokes and reserved to the sick few... well 2003 was marked, "The Year of the Dirty Words". Not only has every one of our major terms been mentioned on Howard Stern but the terms "Dirty Sanchez" and "Donkey Punch" were both mentioned on the MTV Music Awards! We like to think we had a part in that as well. We also were doing a lot of radio interviews and sponsorships... We were heard on the air in Ohio, New York, Florida, Texas, Tennessee, California, and Illinois. Also, we took up a few sponsorships. We became a proud sponsor of ZBarr, a successful "Combat Zone" Wrestler, as well as minor sponsorships to a bowling team, a baseball team, an extreme sports team, an amateur hockey team took on our "Donkey Punch" as their logo and several unsigned bands.

2004 saw the addition of our ladies line and we got a new refrigerator at the office big enough to hold a case of beer and our powdered pee for the prohbation officers!

2005 and 2006 our goal was to get a shirt on the back of every man, woman and child in America! Plus by the end of the year we wanted our opinions heard regarding the onslaught of wanna-be weekend bikers destroying the motorcycle scene... "Die Yuppie Scum Choppers" was born.

Since then we've seen many revisions to the site, new shirts, new lawsuits, and so many new disturbing terms, we can't keep track anymore.

Celebrating 10 years? Whodathunkit?

We would also like to thank Bunt for allowing us to take over "The List" (now so properly titled, "The Glossary of Perversion"). Currently we are getting more email than we can shake a dick at... job security I guess. Thanks for helping us get the word out about our cause. We know we kick so much ass it hurts, but does the rest of the world? Not yet, but we're trying. Have you heard us mentioned in a magazine? On the radio? In a public restroom? If so drop us some mail and let us know. Or if you just want to shoot the shit, or tell us how fuckin' cool we are, or that you hate us and all that we stand for... go ahead, we love getting mail (it makes us feel special).

I'll sleep when I'm Dead...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Greatest Ringtone EVER

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