I haven't told a story in a while...

Not necessarily a good story, but it’s a story…

I went to the University of Cincinnati and lived with one of my closest friends from High School. When they pick your dorm assignments for Freshman year, you are put into a lottery. By some stroke of luck we were chosen to live in one of the sophomore dorms. Then, because I must have done something right over the years, we were drawn to live in a converted lounge for 3 people. THEN, because in a previous life I must have taken a bullet for a pregnant nun or something, we were given the opportunity to buy out the 3rd roommate. Since I went to UC on scholarships, I was able to do so out of pocket. This meant that we had a huge, carpeted, air conditioned, end of the hallway room all to ourselves.

The way our dorm was setup, each floor was shaped like a large + with four suites, one in each of the hallways. Each suite contained 4 rooms of 3-4 people each and a lounge. The suites were co-ed, but each room bedroom in the suite had a locking door. We lived in the lounge. There were 16 of us total in our suite and we became a little family. I still talk to about half of those people on a yearly basis at least.

Since we lived in the lounge room, our room was sort of the hang out mecca. Also, since I have insomnia and never slept, our door stayed open. It was sort of the community room. The 16 of us would end up crashing wherever within our suite. Often there were 1 or 2 people passed out on my floor or in my bed. Like I said, one big happy family.

This was 1994. Back in 1994, you couldn’t buy laser pointers. A laser was only available on high powered military rifles and in the movies. Except we had one. It was about 18” x 4” x 6” and had a huge power adapter that plugged into the wall. It would start up and hum like the Hedron Collider. It was “borrowed” from our high school science lab… uh hum…. “borrowed”.

Across the campus was an all girl’s dorm. Believe it or not, they NEVER closed their curtains. Never.

We had a laser pointer. They had open windows. Let the games begin.

A high powered laser can shine about 1/2 a mile before degradation begins… imagine a room full of girls trying to figure out what the fuck that red dot is on the wall that keeps running from them. Like kittens. I have never laughed so hard… until.

Until we discovered the joy of chasing pizza delivery guys across the parking lot. Yes, back then, if you saw a red dot on your chest, you assumed you were about to be assassinated. I’m surprised we never gave anyone a heart attack.

One night, at about 10:00, we decided to play “Chase the Pizza guy”. However, we decided to play “Chase the Drug Dealer”. This did not go over well. At first two of the entourage dove to the ground, yelling “Sniper!” and “Five-Oh! Five-Oh!”… but the third… apparently the brains of the bunch… looked up at our window… and drew a pistol.

I think the only thing we all said was “Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!” as we shut the window, put away the laser and ran to the room next door to see where they were going.

In the front door they came.

We were on the 4th floor which was actually the 5th floor because dorms are stupid. They had counted windows and knew exactly where to find us. We figured we’d just shut the door and go to a different room to watch the show. About 10 minutes later, three of the scariest dudes I’ve ever seen come stalking down the hallway, banging on our door.

“Open up mother fucker! You gonna shoot me mother fucker?” They didn’t sound like they got the joke.

After this went on for a while and they started in with the “We just gonna wait out here until you mother fuckers come out!” we decided it was time to get them to leave. A friend walked out and told them we left a long time ago. That they needed to leave before the Resident Advisor called campus security on them. They sat down in the hallway. “Nah, we’ll wait!”

My roommate and I came up with a plan.

I walked out and asked what room they were looking for, they told me the end room on the fifth floor.

I showed them their mistake, this was the FOURTH floor. They needed to go up one more floor. As soon as they left, we called the front desk and told them that 3 guys were on our floor waving a gun around. We called from the hall phone, then hung up. About 10 minutes later, campus security was there.

This is where the story goes bad. As the three guys are getting put into a campus security vehicle, we decided to hang out the window and get them with the laser again. In hindsight it wasn’t the smartest idea. Funny? yes. Smart? no.

Did you know that in 1994, using a high powered laser in a malicious manner was considered a misdemeanor? Me neither.