It's Just Us...

This post comes courtesy of a wonderful writer and perversely fucked up friend of GetOffended, @2ndcitysaint and her blog, The Blog of Shame. Here is the story in it's entirety.

Last year, for my birthday, we decided to go to the strip club!

Surprisingly, prior to this, I had never been to a strip club. I was pretty excited to go! So, my best friend and I and a couple of people from work, end up at the club, and we’re all hanging out by the bar… because, y’know, only the perverts go and sit down by the stage.

It’s my birthday so everyone’s buying me drinks/shots and I get drunk enough that by the time they are announcing “last call for stage tips,” my best friend is able to convince me to go do one. Now, for those of you who don’t know what a stage tip is… it’s when you go up on stage and roll up a $5 (usually) bill in your mouth and the stripper takes it from you, in some way. Usually she’ll grind on your junk or your face, and she’ll take the money with either her mouth, her tits, or in some special cases, her pussy. If you’re a particularly lucky dude, the DJ might order you over the mic to take off your belt, at which time the stripper will then pull your pants down and spank you with it. We saw that happen to one dude, who was celebrating his 19th birthday. I didn’t have to deal with that, thank goodness.

So, I take the $5, and head up to the stage, and lay down with it in my mouth. A couple of other people are on stage, so I have to wait my turn. Some of the people I was with from work came down right next to the stage and started yelling “it’s her birthday!” when it came to be my turn. One girl even tried to take a picture! At which point the bouncer snatched her phone and started to cuss her out. Apparently, it wasn’t quite obvious to her that you don’t bust out phones in a club with strippers!

So, it’s finally my turn, the stripper, Jade, wants me to show her my tits. NOW… despite me flaunting them all over Twitter, I’m actually pretty shy in person, and the fact that I was on a stage in front of like, 100 men kinda freaked me out. So, she starts to pull up my shirt, and I push it down all “no, no, no.” So, she leans in, starts nibbling on my ear and whispers, “it’s just us.” I was putty in her hands after that. I totally fell for the line. So, she proceeds to stick her head under my shirt, and lifts up my bra. As far as I know, she was the only one who saw anything, thank goodness. She nods in approval and then starts doing her dance on me. I don’t even remember how she took my money. It definitely wasn’t with her vag, and I assume I’d remember if she did it with her tits, so I can only imagine that she took it with her mouth, and I was just too dumbfounded by the ear-nibble-line-combo to notice.

Also, there was a sort of “special feature” stripper there who was doing a show every night that week when we went. She’s some pro-stripper or something, so she was selling posters. My best friend bought me one as a birthday present. It’s autographed, and says “Breast Wishes.” I put it on my “wall of shame” which is my sleazy bathroom door.

Don't miss @2ndCitySaint's weekly podcast, The Podcast of Shame either. We love this girl.